Hello everyone! Yes, it has been some time, and is now time to catch up! I appreciate everyone’s direct and indirect participation with my project. To refresh those who may have recently engaged in reading my posts, I am on a journey that lasts for 124 days. Wow– I have one day left! The time went by very fast. It has been exciting, challenging, awakening, pretty difficult, moments of disappointment, tears, laughter and smiles. Of course there were times when I wanted to throw the towel in, but God encouraged my heart to continue on.
Learning to Let Go
My urges to do certain things have drastically died down. My relationships have changed, and I’ve left the past behind me. During this period of time, I didn’t realize that I was carrying so many things with me from my past. I look back and am in awe of the baggage I’ve dropped thus far. It’s not over yet; for life is a consistent and ever-changing journey. We as human beings have a desire to build comfort zones so that we may live a consistent life. Guess what? It doesn’t happen this way. I was a bit thrown off when I kept hearing this on a frequent basis throughout my journey from an array of pastors. It is not by coincidence I’ve learned this. Many times we are led by the Holy Spirit to make moves and we ignore them because we are comfortable with what we have surrounding us. When it’s time to drop something, drop it. Changing careers? Change it. New Relationship? Accept it! As I mentioned a couple months ago–as part of my 24 vows–I forgave every person that has ever hurt me in any degree ( only to my knowledge), and I have apologized (only to my knowledge) to everyone I’ve ever hurt to some degree.
I find it very peaceful to write in the middle of the night. It triggers my focus, and I am able to communicate with God in a better way.
Dreams: Pleasant awakening of a Reality…
I’ve been having dreams about people and various surroundings for the last couple of years and have found many of them to occur in real life. Some of the people, I could not approach as they made it very clear they were not open to understanding them. I’ve learned that the dreams that God gives to me are warnings, visions and/or eye openers for me to live by. No, my dreams are not disturbing like nightmares, lol. I don’t want to freak you all out! I’ll share one with you:
About a year ago, I dreamt I was in my bedroom, and my bed was the focus point. When I looked closer to see what appeared to be a baby on my pillow, it was indeed a baby boy. He was roughly 4 months (like a newborn). He had on a gray two-piece suit and was light-skinned ( close to my complexion) and he was sleeping. Babies usually lie of their stomachs, but his face was shown to me as he slept on his back. Now for those of you who know me, I am not crazy about considering children as I am not married yet and as we, my friends and I, identify with being Young & Free, lol! I woke up really puzzled and I told God: YOU KNOW I AM NOT READY FOR KIDS, PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE SHOWING ME ANOTHER MEANING OR SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD. Hey, I’m a relatively honest person. I am not diggin’ the birth of a child out of wedlock, considering I am not prepared. This is what I learned and embrace over the last 123 days.
Now, my estranged father, has disappointed several times, more-so over the past couple of years. This project has moved to me to forgive and to move on. I made a promise to God and myself. I am not a promise maker, but I had to do this if I wanted to really “live.” My heart is saddened for the daughters and sons who don’t receive the proper emotional support from their dads and/or moms. I am blessed to have a mother who never taught me to hate the other non-supportive parent. My anger was voluntary, and I allowed it to build up over the last few years. It got so out of control, that I blamed myself and judged every single man I’ve ever met. Well, it was for a reason as some of them really didn’t have what it takes, lol. But seriously, I had to do something about it, because if I blinded myself with such wickedness, I’d never meet my future Boaz ( Google Boaz) nor would I be a beautiful woman inside-out. I didn’t want to carry that generational curse from his end. I can’t be bitter towards men because of him. I can’t adopt certain qualities of a stubborn man. I can’t hurt others around me like a disconnected family member. I can’t rest my head and deliberately sabotage my children’s means of communicating with one another. I can’t step into the world of fame, acquiring a position to save people in the world, but yet have a cold heart behind closed doors towards mine own family or specific relatives. I can’t cut my children off if they’ve experienced a downfall in their lifetime. I cannot and will not be HIM. I even debate if I’ll allow him to walk me down the aisle when I marry in the future or even mention him when I am famous. I’m just being real! Many people would have never known I’ve struggled with that over the years, but it is what it is. And God is so marvelous and loving to me. He softened my heart, and I still love! I never stopped loving. Isn’t that awesome? Isn’t GOD great?!! So, what does this have to do with my dream of the baby boy? ALOT! I told you all I never stopped loving. I have 6 siblings from my father’s side. All of them I know, but three I haven’t spoken to in years as they live with him and his wife. I pray that changes. The other 3, I went out of my way to contact and spend time with. I’ve bulit a pretty solid relationship with my two sisters and brother. They are a part of me just as a full-blooded sibling. Recently, June 10,2009, I found my big sister! It amazes me how Facebook is a great means of communication! I was so scared and excited at the same time because we didn’t see each other for over 7 years. I am so glad she hyphenated her name as she is married now! I was not sure if she would be bitter towards me as our father didn’t really bring us together. I started out with a short note hoping I’d get a response back. I waited with anxiety over the next 24 hours. I know the Bible tells us we should not be anxious over anything, but this was so new to me! When she responded back, I was moved! She was so positive about it and agreed we didn’t have to talk about the past. She and my bro-in-law are saved!! We were able to connect having that similarity! Now get this, as she wrote me, she told me to check out the family album posted ( those of you who know about Facebook). Oh my God, I am an Auntie! And guess what? His name is Daniel, and he is now 7 months old (June 12, he made 6 months). I finally understood and confirmed my dream. I dreamt of a connection I would later build. I saw him in the Spirit before he was born. This was very meaningful to me.
We eventually moved on to talking on the phone ( taking it slow was the best remedy). I stayed with her, my bro-in-law and my nephew this past July 4th weekend, and we had so much fun. What touched me the most was this: No matter who or what comes in the way, If God said it, it is SAID AND DONE. I am so overjoyed to know that Daniel ( my nephew) will grow up knowing me. He is loved, and he’s a special boy! I am sure someone out there needed to read this testimony. Know that if you reach out, you’ll get something back.