123 DAYS COMPLETED

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124, Antigua, Bible, Cheszerae, decision making, dream interpretation, encouragement, facebook, friendships, God, Life, love, McChesney Emanuel, mommy, positive, Prayers, relationships

A pause, but not a halt…

Hello everyone! Yes, it has been some time, and is now time to catch up! I appreciate everyone’s direct and indirect participation with my project.  To refresh those who may have recently engaged in reading my posts, I am on a journey that lasts for 124 days.  Wow– I have one day left!  The time went by very fast.  It has been exciting, challenging, awakening, pretty difficult,  moments of disappointment, tears, laughter and smiles.  Of course there were times when I wanted to throw the towel in, but God encouraged my heart to continue on.

Learning to Let Go

My urges to do certain things have drastically died down. My relationships have changed, and I’ve left the past behind me.  During this period of time, I didn’t realize that I was carrying so many things with me from my past.  I look back and am in awe of the baggage I’ve dropped thus far.  It’s not over yet; for life is a consistent and ever-changing  journey.  We as human beings  have a desire to build comfort zones so that we may live a consistent life.  Guess what? It doesn’t happen this way. I was a bit thrown off when I kept hearing this on a frequent basis throughout my journey from an array of pastors.  It is not by coincidence I’ve  learned this. Many times we are led by the Holy Spirit to make moves and we ignore them because we are comfortable with what we have surrounding us.  When it’s time to drop something, drop it. Changing careers? Change it.  New Relationship? Accept it!  As I mentioned a couple months ago–as part of my 24 vows–I forgave every person that has ever hurt me in any degree ( only to my knowledge), and I have apologized (only to my knowledge) to everyone I’ve ever hurt to some degree.

I find it very peaceful to write in the middle of the night.  It triggers my focus, and I am able to communicate with God in a better way.

Dreams: Pleasant awakening of a Reality…

I’ve been having dreams about people and various surroundings for the last couple of years and have found many of them to occur in real life.  Some of the people, I could not approach as they made it very clear they were not open to understanding them.  I’ve learned that the dreams that God gives to me are warnings, visions and/or eye openers for me to live by.  No, my dreams are not disturbing like nightmares, lol. I don’t want to freak you all out!  I’ll share one with you:

Personal Testimony….

About a year ago, I dreamt I was in my bedroom, and my bed was the focus point. When I looked closer to see what appeared to be a baby on my pillow, it was indeed a baby boy. He was roughly 4 months (like a newborn).  He had on a gray two-piece suit and was light-skinned ( close to my complexion) and he was sleeping.  Babies usually lie of their stomachs, but his face was shown to me as he slept on his back.  Now for those of you who know me, I am not crazy about considering children as I am not married yet and as we,  my friends and I,  identify with being Young & Free, lol! I woke up really puzzled and I told God: YOU KNOW I AM NOT READY FOR KIDS, PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE SHOWING ME ANOTHER MEANING OR SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD.  Hey, I’m a relatively honest person.  I am not diggin’ the birth of a child out of wedlock, considering I am not prepared. This is what I learned and embrace over the last 123 days.

Now, my estranged father, has disappointed several times, more-so over the past couple of years. This project has moved to me to forgive and to move on.  I made a promise to God and myself. I am  not a promise maker, but I had to do this if I wanted to really “live.”  My heart is saddened for the daughters and sons who don’t receive the proper emotional support from their dads and/or moms.  I am blessed to have a mother who never taught me to hate the other non-supportive parent.  My anger was voluntary, and I allowed it to build up over the last few years.  It got so out of control, that I blamed myself and judged every single man I’ve ever met. Well, it was for a reason as some of them really didn’t have what it takes, lol.  But seriously, I had to do something about it, because if I blinded myself with such wickedness, I’d never meet my future Boaz ( Google Boaz) nor would I be a beautiful woman inside-out. I didn’t want to carry that generational curse from his end.  I can’t be bitter towards men because of him. I can’t adopt certain qualities of a stubborn man.  I can’t hurt others around me like a disconnected family member. I can’t rest my head and deliberately sabotage my children’s means of communicating with one another.  I can’t step into the world of fame, acquiring a position to save people in the world, but yet have a cold heart  behind closed doors towards mine own family or specific relatives.  I can’t cut my children off if they’ve experienced a downfall in their lifetime. I cannot and will not be HIM.  I even debate if I’ll allow him to walk me down the aisle when I  marry in the future or even mention him when I am famous.  I’m just being real!  Many people would have never known I’ve struggled with that over the years, but it is what it is. And God is so marvelous and loving to me. He softened my heart, and I still love! I never stopped loving.  Isn’t that awesome? Isn’t GOD great?!!  So, what does this have to do with my dream of the baby boy? ALOT!  I told you all I never stopped loving. I have 6 siblings from my father’s side.  All of them I know, but three I haven’t spoken to in years as they live with him and his wife.  I pray that changes.  The other 3, I went out of my way to contact and spend time with. I’ve bulit a pretty solid relationship with my two sisters and brother.  They are a part of me just as a full-blooded sibling.  Recently, June 10,2009, I found my big sister! It amazes me how Facebook is a great means of communication! I was so scared and excited at the same time because we didn’t see each other for over 7 years. I am so glad she hyphenated her name as she is married now!  I was not sure if she would be bitter towards me as our father didn’t really bring us together. I started out with a short note hoping I’d get a response back. I waited with anxiety over the next 24 hours. I know the Bible tells us we should not be anxious over anything, but this was so new to me! When she responded back, I was moved! She was so positive about it and agreed we didn’t have to talk about the past. She and my bro-in-law are saved!! We were able to connect having that similarity!  Now get this, as she wrote me, she told me to check out the family album posted ( those of you who know about Facebook).  Oh my God, I am an Auntie! And guess what?  His name is Daniel, and he is now 7 months old (June 12, he made 6 months).  I finally understood and confirmed my dream. I dreamt of a connection I would later build.  I saw him in the Spirit before he was born. This was very meaningful to me.

We eventually moved on to talking on the phone ( taking it slow was the best remedy). I stayed with her, my bro-in-law and my nephew  this past July 4th weekend, and we had so much fun.  What touched me the most was this: No matter who or what comes in the way, If God said it, it is SAID AND DONE.  I am so overjoyed to know that Daniel ( my nephew) will grow up knowing me.  He is loved, and he’s a special boy!  I am sure someone out there needed to read this testimony. Know that if you reach out, you’ll get something back.

Kind of a BIG DEAL

Tags

change, Cheszerae, decision making, modeling, party, positive, thinking

Well, time is running out before my fun-filled free time moments are over.  I must say over the last 7 months, I’ve had the best time of my life.  I got to go anywhere at anytime I wanted to.  Now it is time to get back on track. I am excited about Modeling School next week. Today makes exactly 7 days left until I start.  I will also post updates regarding my experience as an aspiring plus-sized model during the next 11 weeks.  My mother put this idea in my head, and she continues to support my music and modeling.  She didn’t make it to my second fashion show, but there are some to come this year.  As for my music: I have not given it up nor will I give it up.  I will be performing sometime next month ( April) .  My music is copy-written, I am registered with ASCAP, and my music is in radio rotation.  Now it’s time to cover the challenging parts.  I didn’t go to the gym today.  I am dancing and working out indoors.   I’ve been feeling great about my project and am excited to hear how your journey is going.  It may be longer than mine or maybe simpler than mine, but I’d like to still hear your feedback, future plans, etc. 

Today’s Scripture

Proverbs 1 ( entire chapter)

Pay very close attention to the verses in this chapter. They are very powerful and moving.  This is my guide for the rest of week

New Adaptation

This is a major thing for me that I don’t mind going public about: I am wearing natural hairstyles now.

What does this mean? It means no more fake attachments. It’s just me and my sexy hair.  To some it may seem to be a small deal, but for someone like me who’s been ADDICTED to specifically PONYTAILS, this is by far a BIG DEAL.  For the last 4 1/2 weeks, I’ve worn my hair out.  I’ve learned to embrace what I have because  I should be grateful that I have a head full of thick hair. It is healthy and has grown so lovely thus far.  This is actually included in the second half of my vows. Yayy! By the way, everyone seems to embrace it as much as I do.

 

Saying to live by:

You cannot change the past, but you can change the way you think.

Certainly there are times when the environment and outside influences are to blame, but do not let it get it to you. Even if they did, do not use them as an excuse.

 

Cheszerae

SHOCK OF THE DAY: For the first time in my life: Mommy and I are going to a party. TOGETHER!  ( Those of you who know me and her well, I am sure ya’ll are picking up your jaws from the keyboard.  This is a BIG DEAL.

New Day, Tough Beginning!

Tags

change, decision making, encouragement, Father Michael Sepp

Today I feel a little off, as the day didn’t begin to well . It seem likes the day was extended for no reason. Of course I got my laughs out as always. It’s impossible for me to stay in a damper mood. And YES I SAID IMPOSSIBLE. I didn’t do everything that I wanted to do but, it’s okay. I will get more done tomorrow. I felt a little nervous yesterday and giggly at the same time because I prayed for a change and what happens? I am getting a little taste of it.

I learned over the weekend that Father Michael Sepp, my catholic preacher ( When I was Catholic from 1995-1999) passed away after battling a terrible sickness. He was a true Man of God as he served his entire life for God’s work. That’s admirable and amazing. He was the man who baptized me! I went to pay my respects and said a prayer for him and his family. I am happy he is not suffering anymore. There were hundreds of people there and I am sure there were hundreds more before I arrived. Bless his soul and bless the lives that he touched.
That had a little to do with how I felt today.

Here are today’s scriptures:

Numbers 24:1-25:18
Luke 2:1-35
Psalm 59:1-17

Proverbs 11:14

I got up at 5:00 am (I’m buggin’) to work out, go to work and go to Father Michael’s service. Never in my life did I feel exhausted the way I do. It’s a good feeling. That means good sleep. But I’ll tell you this much, I am not getting up that early tomorrow, lol!

I’m still in that isolation mode where I am taking a select few and even with the select few that I speak with, that happens every three days or so. I like my alone time. I deleted 40 numbers out of my phone today and checked the storage percentage. I still have 250 numbers in my phone, but size isn’t everything. Yea, I am a pretty popular person as many put it. I am comfortable with just laying low sometimes.

Today, I learned that I have good patience but terrible at keeping too many promises at once.

I look forward to a rich life as I am a work in progress.

Cheszerae