A pause, but not a halt…
Hello everyone! Yes, it has been some time, and is now time to catch up! I appreciate everyone’s direct and indirect participation with my project. To refresh those who may have recently engaged in reading my posts, I am on a journey that lasts for 124 days. Wow– I have one day left! The time went by very fast. It has been exciting, challenging, awakening, pretty difficult, moments of disappointment, tears, laughter and smiles. Of course there were times when I wanted to throw the towel in, but God encouraged my heart to continue on.
Learning to Let Go
My urges to do certain things have drastically died down. My relationships have changed, and I’ve left the past behind me. During this period of time, I didn’t realize that I was carrying so many things with me from my past. I look back and am in awe of the baggage I’ve dropped thus far. It’s not over yet; for life is a consistent and ever-changing journey. We as human beings have a desire to build comfort zones so that we may live a consistent life. Guess what? It doesn’t happen this way. I was a bit thrown off when I kept hearing this on a frequent basis throughout my journey from an array of pastors. It is not by coincidence I’ve learned this. Many times we are led by the Holy Spirit to make moves and we ignore them because we are comfortable with what we have surrounding us. When it’s time to drop something, drop it. Changing careers? Change it. New Relationship? Accept it! As I mentioned a couple months ago–as part of my 24 vows–I forgave every person that has ever hurt me in any degree ( only to my knowledge), and I have apologized (only to my knowledge) to everyone I’ve ever hurt to some degree.
I find it very peaceful to write in the middle of the night. It triggers my focus, and I am able to communicate with God in a better way.
Dreams: Pleasant awakening of a Reality…
I’ve been having dreams about people and various surroundings for the last couple of years and have found many of them to occur in real life. Some of the people, I could not approach as they made it very clear they were not open to understanding them. I’ve learned that the dreams that God gives to me are warnings, visions and/or eye openers for me to live by. No, my dreams are not disturbing like nightmares, lol. I don’t want to freak you all out! I’ll share one with you:
About a year ago, I dreamt I was in my bedroom, and my bed was the focus point. When I looked closer to see what appeared to be a baby on my pillow, it was indeed a baby boy. He was roughly 4 months (like a newborn). He had on a gray two-piece suit and was light-skinned ( close to my complexion) and he was sleeping. Babies usually lie of their stomachs, but his face was shown to me as he slept on his back. Now for those of you who know me, I am not crazy about considering children as I am not married yet and as we, my friends and I, identify with being Young & Free, lol! I woke up really puzzled and I told God: YOU KNOW I AM NOT READY FOR KIDS, PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE SHOWING ME ANOTHER MEANING OR SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD. Hey, I’m a relatively honest person. I am not diggin’ the birth of a child out of wedlock, considering I am not prepared. This is what I learned and embrace over the last 123 days.
Now, my estranged father, has disappointed several times, more-so over the past couple of years. This project has moved to me to forgive and to move on. I made a promise to God and myself. I am not a promise maker, but I had to do this if I wanted to really “live.” My heart is saddened for the daughters and sons who don’t receive the proper emotional support from their dads and/or moms. I am blessed to have a mother who never taught me to hate the other non-supportive parent. My anger was voluntary, and I allowed it to build up over the last few years. It got so out of control, that I blamed myself and judged every single man I’ve ever met. Well, it was for a reason as some of them really didn’t have what it takes, lol. But seriously, I had to do something about it, because if I blinded myself with such wickedness, I’d never meet my future Boaz ( Google Boaz) nor would I be a beautiful woman inside-out. I didn’t want to carry that generational curse from his end. I can’t be bitter towards men because of him. I can’t adopt certain qualities of a stubborn man. I can’t hurt others around me like a disconnected family member. I can’t rest my head and deliberately sabotage my children’s means of communicating with one another. I can’t step into the world of fame, acquiring a position to save people in the world, but yet have a cold heart behind closed doors towards mine own family or specific relatives. I can’t cut my children off if they’ve experienced a downfall in their lifetime. I cannot and will not be HIM. I even debate if I’ll allow him to walk me down the aisle when I marry in the future or even mention him when I am famous. I’m just being real! Many people would have never known I’ve struggled with that over the years, but it is what it is. And God is so marvelous and loving to me. He softened my heart, and I still love! I never stopped loving. Isn’t that awesome? Isn’t GOD great?!! So, what does this have to do with my dream of the baby boy? ALOT! I told you all I never stopped loving. I have 6 siblings from my father’s side. All of them I know, but three I haven’t spoken to in years as they live with him and his wife. I pray that changes. The other 3, I went out of my way to contact and spend time with. I’ve bulit a pretty solid relationship with my two sisters and brother. They are a part of me just as a full-blooded sibling. Recently, June 10,2009, I found my big sister! It amazes me how Facebook is a great means of communication! I was so scared and excited at the same time because we didn’t see each other for over 7 years. I am so glad she hyphenated her name as she is married now! I was not sure if she would be bitter towards me as our father didn’t really bring us together. I started out with a short note hoping I’d get a response back. I waited with anxiety over the next 24 hours. I know the Bible tells us we should not be anxious over anything, but this was so new to me! When she responded back, I was moved! She was so positive about it and agreed we didn’t have to talk about the past. She and my bro-in-law are saved!! We were able to connect having that similarity! Now get this, as she wrote me, she told me to check out the family album posted ( those of you who know about Facebook). Oh my God, I am an Auntie! And guess what? His name is Daniel, and he is now 7 months old (June 12, he made 6 months). I finally understood and confirmed my dream. I dreamt of a connection I would later build. I saw him in the Spirit before he was born. This was very meaningful to me.
We eventually moved on to talking on the phone ( taking it slow was the best remedy). I stayed with her, my bro-in-law and my nephew this past July 4th weekend, and we had so much fun. What touched me the most was this: No matter who or what comes in the way, If God said it, it is SAID AND DONE. I am so overjoyed to know that Daniel ( my nephew) will grow up knowing me. He is loved, and he’s a special boy! I am sure someone out there needed to read this testimony. Know that if you reach out, you’ll get something back.
Choose any scripture you like.
Tell me which one you chose!
I have been terrible over the last few weeks with maintaining my blog. I am back and I truly apologize to everyone who has been following up with me. Today is such a beautiful day and with some time on my hands, I’d like to catch up with you all. I hope everyone’s well and keeping their promises to themselves. Well, where shall I begin?
Overall, I’ve been doing exceptionally well despite the economy and the continuous search for a church home. Over the last few weeks I have been networking and putting more thought into things that interest and stimulate me. I say stimulate because stimulation makes you well rounded. Back in April and now May, God connected me with great people who have similar views as me. I met a journalist/artist and young lady from Belgium who were so kind and dear to me. Because of this connection, my music is now in rotation in Belgium and I have new friends there! Culture is beautiful! There were so many things to discuss and so many places to go! We went to many venues, specifically geared towards music and arts. I’ll never forget this experience as it has expanded my appreciation and knowledge of staying open-minded.
Modeling school is cool, but I missed a couple of classes and gotta get back into the flow as graduation nears. I was granted an opportunity to become a fit model for an agency, but the clothes were too big for me. However, I mentioned this because it encouraged to know if I want to be someone, I must go out there and let my spirit/talent shine. One vow I am really bad on ( sad face) is the gym commitment. It is so hard to stay motivated especially when you are so busy!! I’ve found a new love though: WALKING…Just put on the DARK shades, the mp3 player and I am off to an adventure.
Speaking of walking, I had a dog for 2 1/2 weeks but had to give him back to his previous owner. He is a Jack Russell and is almost 6 years old. He was alot to handle. He was a good dog, but had a lot of underlying issues. It would be hard for me to train him and he’s never been trained before. He was very needy and I didn’t find it fair to him that I wouldn’t be home at times. He needs to be in a home where someone is available and has plenty of space to run around. THEY ARE NOT CITY DOGS, and it’s cruel to try to force that particular breed to live in such closed quarters. Evidently my heart goes out to him. I hope his next home is a loving and nurturing one as he has quite a spunky personality.
I am thinking about moving around for a little ( different state/possible new country)…That’s just how I feel. There’s so much to see out there and I am excited to experience that.
I thank God for a clear mind, a non-bitter heart and a fascination/desire to reach out to others. If you know there’s a talent you have, grow it!!!
There are times when we are so busy and concerned about personal matters, that we forget that we are disconnecting ourselves with society. No fancy or dandy language here; It’s just a matter of connecting with others. Once we engage in conversation, support and trust with one another, you are establishing connection. No matter the background, religion, sex, etc. , there’s good in everyone. It is your duty to give a part of yourself that is good to others as they will do the same for you. If I could save the world, I wouldn’t. Why? Simply because this is a world full of connection. If we come together, we can tackle many obstacles. We are a part of God’s Kingdom and are called to work as ONE. It can be very challenging to tolerate others, but if you practice love, it will make life easier.
Proverbs 12 Entire Chapter
Why is it hard to love? Why is it easy to hate? Why aren’t human beings dependable? We are in the flesh, and it is tainted. You must strive to love and not to hate. It’s about strength and will power. Use your spirit and mind to love others, regardless of what they’ve done to you.
I had a wonderful day today!
I will wrap up,
Good night all,
I guess to recap, I’ve accomplished some of my goals as I am conducting my project. I am so tired ( a good tired) today. It’s because I had a spa bath and a nice dinner, lol. I hope you guys/gals are doing well today.
Proverbs 11 Entire Chapter
I think it’s great to stay in Proverbs. We know this world lacks a lot of wisdom. Many believe educational papers solve their problems or believe it acts as a protective covering from being labeled as “foolish.” A degree doesn’t make you better than the next person. I know so many “scholars” who lack common sense and wisdom. I even have some family members that way. Now I am not offending those who will and have earned their degrees. I have mine in History and Poly Sci. I am saying your studies continue beyond the secular academic realm. It is imperative that you seek wisdom in all that you do. Knowing every book or every stock status doesn’t make you intelligent. It only means you are knowledgable in those specific areas, but it is not guaranteed you have the armor on to take on life’s adventures, struggles and turns. Keep reading Proverbs along with me, and we will learn together.
Tomorrow I start a new job : ) , so I will write tomorrow. I pray that you all will have a beautiful week!
Thank you again for your faithful reading,
Today’s my wedding day…I’ll tell you more later…Going to church now…My mother is preaching today…It’s been a minute…
Okay, I am back. The church I went to today ( Change a Life Ministries) was very nice and intimate. I learned something new today. The moment I walked in, I felt unusually comfortable. The presence was filled with God’s love. I know this because my last church, Greater Hood, I never felt a good presence there for the 2 years I attended. I was there physically, but rarely in spirit. I withdrew altogether from the church 7 months ago.
As for today, it wasn’t exactly a crowd but the room still felt full. My mother preached today, and that went well! I sang a couple of devotion songs and I felt a sincere acceptance there. The church is located in Soundview, Bronx ( In the middle of nowhere) , but I will be back there.
The Bible states that we are to be salt in the world. We are to be a seasoning, a preservative and a cure in a world full of sin and hatred toward God and the things of God.
Earlier I mentioned this is my wedding day. Not my WEDDING WEDDING day, lol. It’s my day to marry God. I am wearing my ring as a symbol of self-respect, possession of godly character and my success in life. It’s sort of like a salt covenant. You ask ” What in the world is a salt covenant?” ( Symbolic )When you perform the Salt Covenant, you are combining your individual
grains of salt into one unity vial, symbolizing your united life. Your commitment
to one another and to God cannot be broken unless you can separate your salt.
I didn’t literally use salt as you can. But this is significant to me as I cannot afford to cast my salt to undesired candidates.
Not to sound mean but the last person I dealt with, Tyrelle* is terribly unattractive ( I must have been under the influence, lol) and serves no fulfilling purpose in my life. My BFF laughed dead in my face on the train after showing a picture of him to her. She automatically predicted the outcome: “Girl, you know this is so temporary.” My thoughts were wow, what the heck was I thinking. Man, can I be real? I later learned dude was super BROKE….PAUSE….nah I’m not even going in on dude, lol! Ya’ll know I gotta keep it real and add a little giggle to it!
I chose to cast my pearls to someone I automatically knew I wouldn’t want to have in my life on a permanent basis. Being with someone just for time to pass by is not a cool move.
I recall another random guy, Reg* I met around New Year’s and talk about being ghetto fab and straight hood. I thought my hood days were over after dealing with another Harlem dude 2 years prior. We just did not connect ( getting to know each other-wise). Funny thing is, he wanted to be intimate with me on a sofa( mind you I met him about a week before, so apparently, he was a fast one). I felt uneasy and very peeved about the situation, so I went into a random “no mode.” Let’s be real- no need to sugarcoat…I could have for pleasure purposes, but something wasn’t right. Would I really want to remember that in my lifetime? Would I really waste my time here, and I barely knew dude? That same night I got home, I had a graphic, unpleasant dream about him. When I woke up, I thought it was real and I cried! I wasn’t harmed in the dream, but it was a fear-filled, vivid dream It was a sign God was dealing with me and throwing me warning signals not only about Reg, but for FUDs (future undesirable dudes).
Every time you connect with someone there is a piece of you taken that you cannot get back. Men and women, don’t waste your pearls (salt) on undesirable candidates. When I say I am married to God, I am not saying I am going to stop living life or having fun. Don’t get it twisted. It simply means I am living with a fresh and different point of view. Unfortunately when you step your game up and politely distance yourself from these undesirable folks, you’re labeled as sadiddy or maybe other condescending words. I’d rather be blessed and sadiddy than emotionally disturbed and naive.I can go on for days about some of the most memorable guys I’ve met. But it’s all good, all of my experiences are stepping stones.
I will DEFINITELY have to write about Allen King* ~ Every woman must have this chance to encounter a loving being such as Allen King* ~ ( This a BEAUTIFULLLLL STORY)
( Still writing some more….)
FYI: When someone’s not exactly what you expected and he/she already has your number simply change the name of the individual in your phone to DNA ( Do Not Answer). It works like a charm!
Between today and tomorrow, I’d like to share my thoughts on a special person I met in this lifetime, Allen King*.
* ALL LISTED NAMES ARE FICTIONAL